remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
