If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
