rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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