It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
