well you can't waste a boner
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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