I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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