Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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