There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
