Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
