R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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