Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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