You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
