i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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