I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I checked into jail on foursquare
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
