from now on my penis is your penis
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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