The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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