I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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