i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize