You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
