I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
