He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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