Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
