You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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