So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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