I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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