At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
