you didnt know i had herpes?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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