If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
