I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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