You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
