your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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