I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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