I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My dick has a subreddit
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
