Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
