So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
