His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
