I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
