would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
