Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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