Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
