apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
