Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
