only if we run a train.
done.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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