3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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