my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
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Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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