please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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