i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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