oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
