Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
