I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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