my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
