Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You can't motorboat a personality
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
