I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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