How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
What should our trivia night team be named?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.