Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?