He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
