Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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