im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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