Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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