I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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