chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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