Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
