we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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