We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
