I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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