toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
